RECIPE FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP!

Image“I won’t ever forget the first time I laid eyes on him.  I thought that I would just die if I couldn’t have him for my own.  He was so gorgeous and on top of that, he was nice to me.  I couldn’t get him off my mind . . . in fact, it was as if I was obsessed with him!”

Ever felt this way?  I thought so.  (Otherwise you’d not be likely to be reading my blog entry about attraction!)  I guess that if there were not such a thing as attraction and romance, the world population might be stunted a bit.  That having been said, let’s look at what “attraction” really amounts to, and just how many regrets it can (and oftentimes does) lead to.  If that’s the case, then just what on earth IS love, anyway!

I believe that love comes to us in many forms.  For example, our love for our children; our love for our parents; our love for our pets.  When it comes to romance, love and lust can be difficult to separate – especially in our youth.  A very important lesson that I had to learn the hard way (i.e. two divorces from unfaithful men) is that it is imperative for lasting love, that we become friends, first, (rather than to act on feelings of attraction.  By “act on” I mean, jump head-first into a romantic relationship with someone with whom we share amazing chemistry and not much else.)  How well I recall my mother having once, long ago, said to me, “Why don’t you just pick-out someone ordinary and give yourself TIME to fall in love?”  Oh my gosh!  Did THOSE words ever NOT COMPUTE!!  My thought at that time, and my response to her was, “If I don’t feel ATTRACTED to him, why on earth would I want to DATE him?”  Today I wish I had spoken my response aloud; maybe then, my mother could have talked-some-sense-into-me!

I’d had a history of being attracted to the handsome bad-boy types.  I found them exciting.  Attraction is fun and it’s exhilarating, and even addictive.  But it doesn’t last long when there are bills that can’t be paid, children who are getting sick leading to enormous medical bills, and the other everyday life sorts of problems.  Once the attraction is gone in a relationship that is based upon attraction, what’s left?  NOTHING! 

My husband and I became very good friends right from the start.  He wasn’t the “hottie” that my previous two husbands had been.  Thus, for an attraction to develop, I had to get to know him well, and allow the attraction to stem from our friendship, and to grow over time.  (Mind you, he’s not homely, but if I were back on the dating scene, I would pay very close attention to the moral-of-the-story, Beauty and the Beast!  He’s just rather plain compared to my ex’s.)  Consequently, when those old everyday problems that become overwhelming when stacked one-upon-the-next-one become too heavy, we always have our deep friendship to fall back upon!  It really works!

So what IS love?  For me, love is wanting what is best for my loved one as much as I want what is best for myself – EVEN if that means that I must make some sacrifices to participate in the achievement of his happiness.  It means that we will be two people who share singular goals for our future together.  Yes, it means being patient, respectful and kind.  What ingredients are necessary for this recipe to be successful?  Below is the recipe you can count on!

  • We must share the same common values.  Values that consist of the way in which we view: 
  • Faithfulness versus unfaithfulness in a relationship; 
  • Child-rearing values and beliefs;
  • Autonomy in a relationship;
  • Trust;
  • Commitment;
  • Open, respectful communication;
  • Compromise.

The list above requires a good deal of maturity on the part of both people in the relationship.  But for a relationship to work over the long haul, a relationship must contain the above ingredients.  Combine these ingredients, and your relationship will be successful and lasting; it will stand the test of time!

___________________________________________

(Copyright 2014 by JC Fredlund) Copyright 2014 by JC Fredlund (JC Eberhart, Past Pen Name): ©JC Fredlund and JC Fredlund’s Artistry Blog, 1974 – 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to JC Fredlund and the link to http://www.JCFredlund.wordpress.com blog is included with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Advertisements

How to Stay Safe (and Sane) While Online Dating

I have a previous, published article here that describes my past experiences with online dating sites, titled, “Online Dating, Yay or Nay?” (I’m mentioning that so as not to bore-to-death those who may have already read about my personal online dating experiences.) While online dating, I made some really foolish mistakes. Had I been with a “bad person” at the time, I might not be here to write this column. Since I AM here, I want to try to save some of you from making the same mistakes I did.

The GOOD news is that you really CAN stay SAFE and SANE while doing the online dating scene. Here’s how:

+ Understand that if you join an online dating site that is for all ages, you may very well (like I did) be asked obnoxious questions like (when I stated my dating age limit as being only men 50+) “Well, how old do I have to BE?”

+ You may find yourself asking nonsensical-sounding questions like, “What part of ‘No’ don’t you understand?”

+ You will always want to drive your OWN automobile to the first two or three dates! (Long enough to have had time to very thoroughly size the person up!)

+ Always meet a new online date ONLY in a busy, and very public establishment or area. (I always chose a public restaurant where it would be easy to get the attention of others if I ever needed to.)

+ If you ever find yourself feeling a knot in the pit of your stomach and suspicious of the person from whom you’re sitting across WITH THE TABLE ALWAYS BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU, you will always be able to excuse yourself politely to the Ladies Room, and split out the door quickly, making a fast get-a-way in your automobile! (Yes, not polite, but better to be IMPOLITE than found lying in a ditch somewhere, DEAD! i.e. ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT!!)

+ It’s never a bad idea to get the person’s license plate number, then call it in to find out whether or not he has a criminal background. (But, if you do this, know that the average inmate has committed at least 50 crimes BEFORE he or she was ever apprehended! i.e. There are no guarantees!)

+ Expect to pay for whatever food and beverage you order – that eliminates the other person getting the idea that you owe him/her something. (Yes, they’d be dead wrong, but people without a conscience do think that way.)

+ If you’re feeling alarm bells “going off” in your gut but you can’t understand why, know that sociopaths are some of the most charming people on earth (until they get what they want from you!) Again, ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT!

+ NEVER go to an online date without telling a family member or a friend, EXACTLY when and where you are going and when you will return home – and that you WILL CALL THAT PERSON THE MINUTE YOU GET HOME!

+ NEVER give the other person your phone number until after the first two or three dates, and your stomach feels completely relaxed inside whenever you’re about to meet the person. Ask for THE OTHER PERSON’S phone number and tell the person that you’ll call THEM. Also tell your prospective date you promised your family you would do it this way – anyone who is any kind of trustworthy person, will SUPPORT you in doing it this way (ESPECIALLY if he/she has either a daughter or sister of their own!)

+ When you ask for the person’s phone number, remember (if dealing with a man) that men love to be the pursuer, so you’re not likely to lose the guy’s interest! If you DO lose his interest for asking, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!)

+ ALWAYS get there plenty early (so the other person won’t know your car – just incase) and always park as near to the front door of the public establishment or area as possible.

+ Keep your cell phone in your pocket, not in your purse (just incase you would need to quickly call 911).

As I wrote in my previous article (mentioned above) I MARRIED one of MY online dates after dating him for two+ years, and have never been happier.

Nevertheless, a girl/person cannot be TOO CAREFUL! But special care in all of the above areas makes online dating much more safe and fun!

Copyright 2012 – 2014 by JC Fredlund (JC Eberhart, Past Pen Name): ©JC Fredlund and JC Fredlund’s Artistry Blog, 1974 – 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to JC Fredlund and http://www.JCFredlund.wordpress.com blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Aside

The Good, Bad and the Ugly of Online Dating

I’ll never forget my first experience with a dating site.

I’d just ended a five year relationship and had no idea how to use a “Dating Site”, let alone, which one to choose. I don’t recall the name of the site I first tried – it was fifteen years ago.

I’d agreed to meet a man at a restaurant for lunch. I met him there, and was SHOCKED to see that he had misrepresented his age with a photograph! This guy was AT LEAST twenty years older than I, and told me that his wife had just died. So, what did I do? I felt sorry for him. He asked if he could take me for a ride in his car. I remember thinking to myself, I could take this guy (ie. fight and win physically) so, feeling sorry for him, I agreed to go for this ride.

Where did he take me? He took me to a huge stone memorial out on a highway in the middle of nowhere, and stopped the car. I immediately said, “Okay, you need to start up the car. I just met you and I have no desire to go out “parking” with you.” He replied, “I just wanted to show you the first place I ever took my wife and kissed her. I said, “Either you take me back to the restaurant or I’m getting out and WALKING!” (By this time, I’m really angry.)

He starts up the car and starts driving. On the drive back to the restaurant, he starts telling me how hard it was to have lost his wife. He then proceeded to explain that he has, since her death, begun corresponding with two women from Russia who now live with him and how exciting they are as sex partners. (I’M thinking to myself , “OH FOR GOD’S SAKE! Would you PLEASE HURRY UP AND GET TO THE RESTAURANT!”) We arrived at the restaurant and I got out of the car without saying anything further.

Over a fifteen year span, I went on dates with other guys from dating sites about eight to ten different times (not more dates than that because it would always take me at least three months to recover from each date!)

. . . Until I joined http://www.SeniorPeopleMeet.com, I met guys who were ten to twenty years my junior and who hadn’t been honest about that until we met for coffee at restaurants, one guy who gave me one year to make up my mind to marry him (that lasted only a couple of months mainly because I really don’t react very well to ultimatums,) and a guy who took me to his house, sat me down on his sofa (his only piece of furniture in a huge house) and played a song that was pretty sexy and I thought “Oh brother, THIS guy’s really got a strategy going for himself!” (It seems his wife had just left him and taken everything in the house. I bowed out gracefully and left. (By the way, this guy proposed on that first date! THAT should’ve been my FIRST clue!) Of course, I wasn’t naive’ at ALL!!! lolBest2

Suffice to say, dating sites weren’t working very well for me – until I finally saw a site (SPM). I didn’t give up because when I was a Campfire Girl I took an oath to “Always finish what I begin!” (Actually, I’m extremely determined and don’t like to lose! lol) SPM.com was designed for “seniors”.

Someone recently commented that I just got lucky, cuz all dating sites are bad. Not true. I hadn’t just gotten lucky; I’d earned my stripes! lol

I am 64 yrs. old now, and had remained single/divorced for nineteen (19) years following my divorce from a guy who had a long term affair with a much younger woman than I. At the twentieth year point, I remarried a guy who is honestly the most trustworthy man I’ve met yet – more so even, than I. But we dated for two YEARS first, he is financially better off than I was, I knew exactly what I wanted in a person (integrity, honesty, a family man), and it turned-out that we had many mutual friends, (oddly enough we had to join a dating site to meet each other though!)

Before I met Ralph, I met another very nice man who’d been a teacher in a high school, retired and had begun a career that required him to be in other states for a week at a time. (I’d been married years ago to an over-the-road truck driver and really did not want to return to that kind of life; although we were quite attracted to each other and I liked him a lot as a person and friend, we agreed to part ways.

How did I know, after 19 yrs. of being divorced and two marriage proposals from others I’d dated that Ralph was the one? Because he values HIS relationship with HIS two children, every bit as much as I do MINE! (He’s very much a gentleman, who enjoys (as do I,) having our American Staffordshire Terrier sleep in bed with us every night – ie. when he loves, he loves with his whole heart.)

So, what did I learn from fifteen years of dating site washouts? I learned that there are numerous “cads” out there, and women too, who hop from one dating site to another in order to secretly, “play-the-field”. I also learned that determination and persistence are priceless; yes, even when online dating.

Copyright 2014 by JC Fredlund (JC Eberhart, Past Pen Name): ©JC Fredlund and JC Fredlund’s Artistry Blog, 1974 – 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to JC Fredlund and http://www.JCFredlund.wordpress.com blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.direction to the original content.

Aside

%d bloggers like this: